Ache in My Chest

Yesterday was brutal emotionally. Have you ever experienced one of those days where an ache in your chest feels overwhelming? Me too, it was yesterday! I’m not sure what triggered it, but I’m wondering if I’m already having a mid-life crisis. Lately, I’ve felt overwhelmed by the number of people I’ve lost touch with in my life. Numerous moves (and years) have allowed me to develop relationships with a lot of people. Unfortunately, the number of moves have allowed for an awful lot of leaving. Friends and family have been left behind on my journey to find what is next. People I used to see everyday, I barely talk to once a year (or even less often).

Yesterday, I even felt homesick for Springfield, IL. I grew up there, spent 23 years of my life there, and have only felt a twinge of wanting to move back around our class reunions. This however was intense and powerful, like I wanted to go back and do something over (watch the tv show “Being Erica” and you’ll get the concept). I know it is impossible to go back, but it doesn’t take away the desire. It is such a strange feeling though to spend most of your life growing up wanting to get away, and then being struck with a desire to go back “home.”

The ache in my chest never left yesterday; the intensity varied, but it never subsided. At one point, I opened our outside freezer to find it wasn’t working and over $200 of recently purchased food was in danger of being lost, so we scrambled to my brother-in-law’s house and saved everything we could (which was at least 95%...good news). As Bethany and I drove home, Mark Wills' song “19 Something” was on, which just further drove the “I’m getting older-life’s moving to fast-where did the time go” stake in a little deeper. The references to Star Wars, baseball cards, Farrah Fawcett all made me realize how fleeting life really is. We’re both crying as we got closer to home, but before we made it in the house, another emotional song came on and we’re sitting in our garage crying.

Bethany even suggested that we get out an old videotape of my high school basketball days. We did. It was strange to watch a young me running all over the court, dribbling between my legs, around the back, missing plenty of shots (dang…wish I wouldn’t have broken my arm pre-season), and just being young. I texted my best friend from high school to let him know we both hit 3 point shots. He told me I needed to get outside and do something. Instead of staying in text mode, I actually called; a uniquely rare occurrence for me at this time in life. He doesn’t want to move back to Springfield, so that undermines a large percentage of my motivation to move there.

I couldn’t sleep last night, although I was exhausted. My body felt extremely agitated, so although we went to bed at 9:30, I woke up at 11:00, and went downstairs to avoid disturbing Bethany with my tossing and turning. As I revved up the truck for work at 5:10am, the song on the radio was Ironic by Alanis Morissette (“an old man turned 98, he won the lottery and died the next day”). Well, that’s ironic isn’t it? The song completed, and I started flipping channels and landed on K-LOVE, the Christian station that I only begrudgingly turn to in desperation.

Big Daddy Weave’s “What Life Would Be Like” blasted through the speakers, while I tried to clear my eyes of tears enough to see the road. “What if I could fix myself, maybe then I could get free, I could try to be somebody else, who’s much better off than me, but I need to remember this, that it’s when I’m at my weakest, I can clearly see.” Sidewalk Prophets followed up with “The Words I Would Say” which only further made me think that God decided he was in charge of what I listened to this morning ("Be strong in the Lord and never give up hope. You’re going to do great things, I already know, God’s got His hand on you so don’t live life in fear, forgive and forget, but don’t forget why you’re here…take your time and pray…these are the words I would say").

Of course, K-LOVE feels it necessary to read Psalm 147:3 “He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds.” Alright, I’m either going to crash from tearing up or have my own individual rapture (see ya suckers…just kidding). This is followed up by Nicole C. Mullen's “My Redeemer Lives” which guaranteed I would have to wipe my face before walking into open the gym at 5:30. “The very same God that spins things in orbit, He runs to the weary, the worn and the weak; And the same gentle hands that hold me when I'm broken, They conquered death to bring me victory.”

I feel broken-hearted, and I feel sadness, and I feel…I feel...I feel. This morning I still feel the remnants of yesterday, and I feel like God wanted me to believe He really is paying attention to my pain (both physical and emotional).